...and Not-Writing...and why.
Because I take myself too seriously. Because I don't take myself seriously enough.
Let me explain: I take myself too seriously in that I want it to do more than mere words possibly can. I want my words to be as true to me as they possibly can be so that they can burrow into you and make you feel what I feel and see what I see. On occasion, I can manage this. When the wind is right and the stars are aligned, what's in my heart and head comes through my hands and onto the page. Then, my writing sings. I can feel it, I can see it, and I know it. Hot damn, I think, that is good. I should do that some more. But I often can't, because, as even I know, the wind and stars have wills of their own, and without them together, I'm afraid to try. This is what is know as waiting for the muse to descend, and we all know that it's the foolish person who buys into that game.
Writer's write. Every day. No matter what.
But maybe I'm not a writer. Maybe I'm just someone who has a way with words from time to time. Maybe the things that I've published are not flukes but of another time. Maybe they, and their genre, are as far as I can go. Or maybe not.
Here's what I'm scared of. That feeling of abject failure when once again another writing project has died through my inability to follow through. I get an idea, I get excited, I plan, I write and then at some point, something happens and what I have before me is a house of cards. I see it. I know it. I feel foolish for having thought it, this time, could be more than that. I cannot seem to power through that stage. I do not take myself seriously enough, perhaps, to do so.
I got started thinking this when I read a post on writing by Jennifer at Thursday Drive. She quoted a couple of writers, successful ones, who seemed to be talking about clearing out the censors when one writes. What I want to know, though, is how to clear out the censor that is me?