Carpet Cleaners and me, ByJane

As anyone who has ever lived with me can tell you, I'm not much for the cleaning of floors. When one roommate complained about it (I believe there were some aspersions made about my femininity), I told him that I simply had trained myself to not look below my ankles. This is true.

It is also true that when I had to select floor coverings for my brand-new, now worth(much)less house, I selected some surface that resembles the stone of ancient Jerusalem. Not that I've ever been there to actually see it, but I was at the Getty Museum in LA shortly before I made my flooring choice and I believe their sliced-deep-from-the-earth-stoneware is what influenced me. I had that tile or whatever it is put into almost every room in the house. It is an excellent floorcovering, able to go whole months without seeing the swipe of a Swiffer.

But then there are the bedrooms and office. They alone are carpeted, because the builder convinced me that no one could possibly want faux stone floors in their bedrooms. I did, but I caved, and thus these rooms are covered now in a mewling, puking beige carpet. It did not take long for said carpet to become stained with mewl and puke, among other things. I offer for your appraisal the following evidence:

This is the result of Molly throwing up in my office. I cleaned it with some carpet cleaner when it happened, but Molly's puke is mighty.

This is the result of an unfortunate accident with Bare Minerals Blush in "Lovely". It too has been the beneficiary of a carpet cleaner.

And this, I'm not sure what this is. I think maybe I stepped on a grape...several times, over several days.

I was resigned to my stains until recently when I was given the opportunity by MomCentral.com to Try A New Product. The FedEx man brought a box in which there was a quantity of blue excelsior, making me feel like I was getting a present,and underneath that, I unearthed this

Spot Shot is, according to the promo material that came with it, a New! NON-TOXIC Instant Stain & Odor Eliminator. Yeah, right. They sent it with a little carpet cleaning kit; that's it in the foreground. Swab on some of their bottled chocolate sauce, spray on Spot Shot, blot and voila! Chocolate stain a mere memory. Yeah, right again. Of course it worked; they set the stage and provided the props. But on my stains? My been-there-god-knows-how-long stains? My already-been-given-the-carpet-stain-remover-treatment stains? I don't think so.

But this stuff is made by WD-40 and they've already desqueaked all my doors, so I felt I must give it a try. Here are the results:

The Molly Puke

The Bare Minerals Blush

The squished grape.

This stuff works. In fact, it's obvious I need to clean the whole carpet with it, not just the individual stains. But that, alas, would be too much work for one who has trained herself to not look below her ankles. Still, I can give it a heartfelt recommendation. For those of you are green and zealous about your carpets--and I know you're out there; some of you have even been my best friends--Spot Shot is non-toxic, certified biodegradable and safe for use around child and pets. I give it the ByJane No-Housekeeping Seal of Approval.