Tuesday, April 10, 2007

On French Pedicures--or clean your toes, please

Make that clean your fucking toes.

I know it's still winter in the rest of the United States, but here in California we're already wearin' our flipflops. Thus, I have been treated to the proliferation of a trend that I hoped would die out last year: The French Pedicure.

It is derived, I do believe, from The French Manicure, in which the nailbed is polished pink and the nail tips are polished white. This is meant to simulate an unpolished, natural nail, and why that is so oolala French, I haven't a clue. It can be relatively attractive on those who have nicely shaped oval nails. It is less so, far less so if you ask me, when it is worn by women with short chunky fingers. It's pretty gross, however, when the nails are long and square and more suitable for opening chickenfeed sacks (or, so I'm told, snorting blow).

The French Pedicure, then, is the same technique applied to the toenails. It is never relatively attractive; it is always more or less gross. It simulates not ladylike toes, sweetly clean and pink, but Jesus-freaky digits, great horny things that scream FILTH, TOE CHEESE, CRUD UNDER THE NAILS.

The problem is that white stripe at the end of the nail. On toes, it is by definition, always too long. Toe nails may be keratin on digits, but that doesn't mean they're the same as fingernails. They are not. They are on toes. Which are on feet. Which are on the floor, dirt, ground, rooted in the earth, bearers of bunions and corns and--oy vey!--athlete's foot, ring worm, and other assorted fungii.

Toe nails should not be long and luxurious. Unlike fingernails which can signify a Lady of Leisure, long toenails simply signify Bum or, at the very least, Personal Hygiene Retard.

Is that the image you want for your feet?


  1. I've worn a French manicure on my fingers, and I like it. But I use a very subtle white shade on the tips, and a sheer finger-colored shade on the rest. Done properly, it looks like nice, clean nails with clear polish on, with the added bonus of not being able to detect the daily grime that one accumulates under one's nails.

    It's not something that should be worn on terribly long nails, or on toes.

  2. Most people should not draw attention to their feet in any way. Really. Summertime scares me because women who should never reveal their feet to anyone EVER wear sandals to work and I have to stifle screams all day long.

    I don't like the french manicure or pedicure.

    Nails on good looking feet should be red and shiny.

  3. You know? I've often thought the very same thing. Eww. And as a nurse, I've seen some VERY LONG (and extremely disgusting) toenails - which just gross me out. Toenails should not extend beyond the end of your toes, people!!! And faux-painting them to APPEAR that they do? That is just WRONG. Thank you, ByJane, for this post.

  4. I get so grossed out by long toe nails too... So mine are very short and always painted. Even in the winter because I live in CA (from VT) and I refuse to wear closed toed shoes... Haha...

  5. Ladies--we are in accord then. Can we put forth some Act of Congress, or at least a Cease & Desist Order?

  6. I think this is my favorite post of yours ever. I agree that the shi-shi French manicure look on toes is... well, it just makes me go GAH!


So--whaddaya think?